now i dont care, i could go anywhere with you and i’d probably be happy.

Thinking can be a good thing, and a bad thing. Sometimes I find myself thinking a bit too much. So I write.

When I have no one to talk to, I write. I can write for pages and pages and then I can write barely anything. It sometimes helps, sometimes it doesn’t. Other times I feel better after writing but then the next day, it comes flooding back to me. Then I scratch my head and wonder what else there is to do.

Things kind of suck without the game. You know. No one interesting to talk to. No one to share awesome news with. And things have changed again. I wonder if they’ll change again. Well that’s a stupid question, it’ll always change. I guess I just wish things could go back to the way they used to be.

Surviving Freshman year wasn’t as bad as some people claim it to be, but then again it’s a situational thing, now isn’t it?

Sophmore year, yeah that looks scary. I see things changing before me and I see people moving on and some people being left behind. Wondering where it all ends up in the end, is a mystery.

Nostalgic moments…ftw or ftl?

With Love,

Moonie ♥

Partly Cloudy With a Chance of Change

You can always tell when I’m going through a time of stress because I’ll lose a bit of weight.

For example, I’ve been relatively stressed lately and indecisive a lot. I have two bracelets I wear daily, a rubber one like those Live Strong bracelets but it says WWKTD to remember the girl in my class that passed away last summer. The other is a string bracelet tied on, made by my friend for $2 because she was raising money for charity.

Well My rubber bracelet is at the point where I can almost shake my hand rapidly and it’ll fall off. My string bracelet I can almost just wiggle it up my wrist and hand to take it off. So it’s kind of obvious I’ve lost some weight due to stress. Fun times, eh?

Anyways, school is almost out. It’s amazing to see how things change over time. Or just change in general. People always change and everything around us is constantly changing. As a human species, we’re constantly adapting to the changes around us. Like for example. my stress and weight loss, just adapting to the changes.

The real test is not to lose yourself when you adapt to the world. We’re constantly adapting and changing. And life goes on.

With Love,

Moonlite

Circles

Have you ever felt you were going in a never ending circle and just kept going and going and going and you keep going faster and faster and faster and even though you’re moving and you keep going you actually don’t feel like your actually getting anywhere? That no matter how hard you try you just can’t leave and get up and out? That the world is moving around you and you feel cemented in the exact same place you started and even though you’re there the people around you keep changing? And that the exact same situation keeps repeating itself with you but you can’t do anything to stop it? It just never ends?

I’ve always heard the expression of running in circles.

Not getting anywhere after awhile.

I’m running in a circle here, people.

I’ve noticed I do the same god damned thing every time. I know I’ll do the same thing, get the same results and react the same. But I still follow this pattern. I’m not sure why I do, but I just do it. This circle seems never ending and it seems like there is no way out of it.

The same components are there. Same exact ones. Just, different names for them.

And after a while of pulling in different people for the same reasons as before and you just want them to get out and to save themselves.

I hate just about everything and everyone right now.

Save yourselves,

Moonlite

Adapting

Always in life there will be changes.

I mean it isn’t life unless there is some sort of change. We all need to grow and thrive on at one point, right? Change is ever going and it never stops. Our cells in our bodies are currently changing. They’re replacing each other ever so slowly but they’re going. Every 7 years you have all new cells.

Does that mean we’re new people?

I planned to write more on this damn blog, but that hasn’t exactly worked out. I’m busy juggling homework and people at the moment, classes and the latest news around school and keeping up. Talk about a boat load of stress.

Recently, my best friend, (I guess I can call her that) was diagnosed with depression. She can’t get proper medication because it would mess with her ADD medication. When I first met talked to her after not seeing her for 8 or so years, she was this nice and caring and smart girl. Now she’s spiraling down a twister of never-ending depression. She’s struggling with her herbal medication that she’s using right now, to stay afloat. One minute she’s happy and the next minute she’s depressed and gazing off into nothingness.

An old enemy has now become a new friend. She’s more into the screamo-punk scene and is quite the unique person herself. Between talking with her about boy problems and her own depression, it’s always something new. A few weeks ago I noticed horizontal scars on her upper arm and realized she was cutting. About a week ago she confessed that she needed help. She was cutting still only on her stomach. But the reason she was telling me was that she had to tell her mother she needed help. She told me she wasn’t ready just yet but said she realized she needed help. I applauded her for taking the biggest and hardest step, in my opinion, towards recovering. She realized she had a problem, something most people can’t realize.

Around the time I broke up with my boyfriend a few weeks ago, my friend was finally released from the hospital. She had been there for what seem like ages, but was probably only two weeks. Her cousin is the first person I mentioned in this blog. And my best friend that her cousin was in the hospital for writing a suicide note and contemplating suicide…it was one of the hardest things I have ever done in my entire life. Watching my friend tear up, and myself with her.

I guess high school has opened my eyes even wider than they already were opened. It’s amazing of all the problems in the world and abroad, some of the biggest ones are here at home with you. With the people you love the most and care about.

Sometimes I feel like I’m drowning and suffocating myself listening and talking to these three people but there are others. Everyone has problems and needs to talk them out. I guess I feel honored that they entrust me with their own personal lives and problems and feelings. I mean, most people keep that stuff all bottled up and sit to themselves.

I hope I can do something for them, and for me.

I guess on a positive note, only 4 or 5 weeks of school left. I also got a compliment from the coordinator of the theater department. It was along the lines of how he was surprised I able to possess the role of a mother and how much of a motherly essence I have, which is rare for a 15-year-old teenager to have.

Maybe I’m just special?

With Love,

Matron Moon ♥

Bitter and Afraid

Two years ago someone told me.

Someone encouraged me. 

She told me to quit. She told me to stop trying to fix people because I kept hurting myself in the end. 

She told me to start being happy and to be myself.

To stop hating people.

Or else I’d turn out like her.

Alone, Bitter, and Afraid to love again.

I think I’ve finally hit that point.

I’m sorry.

Just, feel so alone.

I’m sick of having people walk all over me.

Treating me like shit. Disrespecting me. 

Like I’m dirt on the ground, not worth anything at all.

I remembered why I decided to take a break a few months ago.

From all the immature people, the stress from a game, and the nights spent uselessly going nowhere.

No, don’t throw me a pity party. I think I just need to quit.

But, hey I’m already at the Bitter and afraid to love again point.

So fuck it.

Keep on trampling on me. Maybe I’ll become sediment and be forgotten about.

-Moonlite

Words

Words are powerful things. They’re weapons that are pulled out in certain situations when needed and sometimes they hurt more than a hand slap to the face.

Recently there has been a lot going on  with me and the people I know. My friend’s having boyfriend troubles among other things.  I haven’t written anything here for quite a while, therefore I haven’t used this as an outlet for my feelings. So I have a lot of things bottled up.

In the past 4 months a friend of my friend died. She was beaten by my friend’s ex boyfriend while protecting her autistic younger brother. She had critical injuries and at first, it looked like she would make it. But her condition suddenly worsened and she passed away. My friend was devastated, but I helped her through.

Now, her cousin, and a close friend of mine, is in a psychiatric hospital getting help because she was found writing a suicide letter. unfortunately, I was told Thursday, and I was not able to contact my good friend, because she was in Boston doing a competition and I was not able to inform her of what was going on, until today. I was the bearer of bad news, and I had to tell her after she told me about her shitty weekend. Which it didn’t help, but she said she wanted to know.

This leads me to my next point, that I will admit, my mom just told me.

She said I need to get my head out of my friend’s drama, and that I need to stop being the bearer of bad news.

I agree with the latter, not the beginning. As a friend, I feel an obligation to stand by her side and help her. If I leave her hanging, what type of friend does that make me? That’s not a friend, a friend helps you and lends you a hand when you need. They pick your dirty ass up off the ground when you fall.

I guess it just didn’t make sense. But on the other hand, I always do end up being the bearer of bad news.

Either that, or I’m just attracted to bad things that happened.

As I’ve said before, words are powerful. When certain words are used they can be powerful.

“Whatever words we utter should be chosen with care for people will hear them and be influenced by them for good or ill.”
~ Siddhartha Guatama

With Love,

Moonie ♥

What’s Left

Merry Early Christmas Everyone.

I wish you all a safe and happy holiday break. I think it’s a well deserved break for a lot of us. And if you’re still working, don’t forget to relax for a few minutes and just take time for yourself, because, well we all need time for ourselves.

Next week, I will happily be an aunt of a little baby boy named Aiden. My stepsister is pregnant and she was due ….*look over at calender*…she WAS due the 22nd but the doctors are gonna induce her labor on the 29th. So guess who’s gonna be in a hospital for a good amount of time xP

So my step sisters are coming over for New Years Eve. All three of them. They have a little brother who is my age but last time I saw him I was taller than him. Now he’s taller than me, I hear. So that will be interesting.

BLAHBLAHBLAH MY SISTER SHUT THE LIGHTS OFF NOW I CAN’T SEE THE KEYBOARD NOW SO I’M GOING TO MAKE MANY SPELLING MISTAKES. I HAVE 17 MINUTES TO FINISH THIS.

I’ve had quite the whirlwind of a year to say the least. I’m now a High Schooler and I’m on a Dance Team that performs at basketball games. I’ve met tons of people across the country and even the world. I know I’ll keep some of you in my pocket wherever I go. In fact, I do that today, just secretly.

Before I close this blog I’d like you all to check out this blog; http://www.foresought.blogspot.com/

That is the blog of a fellow WoW player, and he writes awesome poetry if he gets off his lazy bum. Yeah, I’m talking to you, you know who you are, mister. : P

Anyways, thanks for being awesome guys. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year.

I might not be abl-

8:02am Well. Getting kicked offline is always fun.

Erm new tangent to go on…

I’m going to admit I try to do the right thing. I sometimes worry that I may not do the right thing so much, that I look to tarot cards for guidance. Only problem is, is that if you ask the same question a lot, then the cards turn on you. -.-

I don’t know how they work, but I do know they do work well. Some people pray or go see a church official for guidance. I look to the cards >.>

And you can’t say they don’t work until you try them!

Anyways. Well I seem to get off track a lot. Sorry for all the rambling : x

I guess I just wanna say to everyone. Look at the people around you. Friends, family, people who you go to school with. Anyone.

Open your eyes and tell me what you truly see.
There is no reconciliation that will put me in my place
And there is no time like the present to drink these draining seconds
But seldom do these words ring true when I’m constantly failing you
Like walls that we just can’t break through until we disappear

Savior – Rise Against

With Love,

Moon ♥

Waiting On The World To Change

I’m slowly beginning to find out that I can not save everyone.

Sometimes people have to save themselves.

And that can be a hard concept. Especially for me. Because I seem to want to save everyone.

Most of the time.

Sometimes people just don’t need saving, perhaps. Maybe they just need to struggle through the pain and learn that way instead of having someone help them.

I’m finding the less contact I have with everyone in-game, the more I’m detaching from the game and the people.

I never thought it’d end like that, I guess.

We called St****s yesterday and they said my laptop would be in 20 days or less. Yuck. I bleeped out their name in case I get flagged

I’m somehow turning into a semi-normal teenager. Only I have the mouth of a sailor. I’d like to thank Ariora and Drinks for that : P

It’s always interesting to see how people change. But it’s even more interesting when you actually take a look at yourself and look back on how you were before. I think I like meeting new people and talking to them because I like seeing how they change. And how they change me, because I’ve truly been changed by talking to some people from the game. And for an outsider looking in, I probably sound psychotic.

Ok moving on.

So for English we are reading a book called Speak. Basically its about this girl who goes through her freshman year of high school in hell because over the summer she went to this huge senior party where there was of course, alcohol. She drank some and was pretty tipsy and out of it. So this senior comes and starts flirting with her and they slow dance and he kisses her. After that she get dragged outside of the barn, where the party is and the senior rapes her.

Every “marking period” we have to write about a passage. In this marking period, the main character, Melinda, goes to a flashback to when she was raped. One of the kids in my class picked this passage and it’s disgusting to what he says. This is what he wrote. And I’m sorry…it truly disgusts me.

“….Melinda went to the senior party and got ‘raped’ really caught my attention. It caught my attention becasue the author makes it seem like she got raped when in reality she really didnt. She never physicaly told the the guy to stop or/and she never even said no or walked away, and the worst part is she never even said one word! She just let it happen and thats why it frustrates me how this novel makes her life seem so dramatic and harsh when really she just lost her viginity at a young age. thats all there is to it, no rape, no problem. What also makes it even worse is she hasnt even told anybody about it yet so no body can even help her. My opinion being Melinda never got raped because she didnt even try to resist or further more she never even said anything to the guy, so shes completly over reacting in the book and she should just get over it. I was expecting an actual rape when I herd what the book was about.”

Yes that’s really how he writes…”heard”  is now “herd.”

How could you say something like that… I know everyone has the right to their own opinion but….that’s…horrible.

On the same page….She writes how she was so drunk that she couldn’t move her tongue to talk. And when she firsts sees this guy…she describes him. And he’s huge and muscular and “Model” type.  He states she never tried

“We were on the ground. When did this happen? “No.”  No I did not like this.” She did try.

I know it’s just a book. But lately a lot of the guys who are reading this book have been complaining that Melinda is just a crybaby. DO THEY NOT UNDERSTAND SHE WAS RAPED AND SHE HASN’T TOLD ANYONE AND SHE’S DEALING WITH THE FACT SHE WAS RAPED?!?!!?!

My poor teacher talked to the class trying to explain how being raped is very traumatic ad they just don’t get it.

It’s kind of sickening and worrying to me that a lot of the boys who are reading this book don’t think this was a big deal and because she never says that she was raped, means she wasn’t raped. It’s just…sad really.

And these are the people I go to school with. Jeesh.

And if anyone wants to know my response…

“In the Third Marking Period, there is a certain part that involves the party. This passage is very disturbing and shocking to me because Melinda does get raped. No one should have to go through what she went through. I think it is her fault for drinking, but no one has the right to take advantage of someone when they are intoxicated. She was so flattered that this gorgeous senior was flirting with her she was almost quite literally swept off her feet. She was awe-struck and she was caught off guard. At one point she was dizzy and said “my tongue was thick with beer, and I couldn’t figure out how to tell him to slow down.” She was suddenly pushed to the ground and she didn’t know what was going on. “When did this happen? “No.” No I did not like this.” She kept trying to get up and saying she had to go meet a friend and she even mentioned how her parents were probably but he still continued on with his business. This passage was very shocking to me and I truly feel bad for Melinda.”

I’ll talk to everyone again soon. Before Christmas hopefully.

With Love,

Moon ♥

Sticking Together

My heart aches for this girl every time I see her in the hallway. I’m still waiting for the time to tell her she’s not alone.

Here is her blog; which I happened to find.

I read her blog whenever I can, because I want to keep track of her almost. Kind of like I do with a lot of you.

Just to make sure someone knows that someone cares about them is important to me. Probably because for the longest time I never thought anyone cared about me.

Like a certain person from WoW which I am good friends with says, “people like us need to stick together.”

My laptop is currently at Staples being fixed I guess. I have my first basketball game I am dancing at on December 17th, and December 14th I’m going to a middle school to play drums by request.

A gig is a gig, right?

Here is that girl’s blog I mentioned earlier: http://abandoneverything.wordpress.com/

A fair warning though, she tells stories of her pain and she’s battling with depression.  Visit at your own risk.

If you wanted to know more about me and my home life, me and her have similar points of views. I also look up to her for her courage to say what she says and she states her mind. She put two girls who picked on me back in Middle School in their place and she didn’t even know.

I miss you guys

With Love,

Moon ♥

And I’m Afraid of You Loving Me

Note; I linked a Youtube video of a song I love at the bottom. If you want, read my blog while listening to the song. Just scroll down a little bit and come back up and read. (:

If I had my way, I’d write on less personal stuff and more on big ideas that are relatable that are not pitiful.

But I guess you and I will have to deal with what comes out of my fiery fingers o’ death.

BWHAHAHAHAHA…ish?

Usually on Thanksgiving break I would have written something that I’m thankful for, but my thanksgiving was worse than the turkey my mother cooked.

Mashed potatoes were good though. But aren’t they always?

Well my Thanksgiving was a freaking train wreck that I do not wish to go into detail about because it sucked so bad.

I think I would have rather had the Thanksgiving I had last year, I threw up. I mean, at least that’s just puking, not crying hysterically.

Well it’s past Thanksgiving and we’re onto the holidays!…yay?

So I’ve found a WordPress of a fellow classmate of mine. She makes quite the awesome statuses that are all equally hilarious and/or eye-opening. When I found her blog, everything changed.

She is beyond depressed and so much worse than she appears to be. She’s putting on her own little play and I see the true her. Of course she doesn’t know I read her blog, so when I see her, she acts “normal”. I wonder which of her close friends knows about this blog too. I mean me and her are I guess acquittances, and talk in the morning/in the hallways.

But I’m genuinely concerned for her well-being. She is depressed, she took the school test and she is getting help. Me and her are in the same home room and both have the same old guidance counselor. I wonder if he actually gives a shit about her. Cause I really am not interested into talking to the only male guidance counselor in the entire school. -.- Just not my thing.

People are never who they seem to be, and this girl is a good example.

So next 40 pages of the book I’m reading in my English class has 2 questions and I’m dreading, absolutely dreading one of them.

“What was better for you, your childhood or teenage years?”

Both equally sucky.

Not to be a Negative Nancy and all but, I know I haven’t had the worse but at the same time I know it hasn’t been the best.

And as of right now I don’t know if it will get any better.

Poor Drenn, because of my screw up, I can’t talk to her via the most easiest way for us to communicate; text.

Makes me wanna punch a wall knowing that I ended the only connection she has left to her friends here.

*rubs her face a lot* I’M SO TIRED. AUDIENCE WHAT YOU DON’T KNOW IS THAT I’M REALLY AM TRYING NOT TO FALL ASLEEP BECAUSE I’M TRYING TO PROVIDE YOU A DECENT BLOG ENTRY. MAYBE TYPING IN CAPS WILL WAKE ME UP!
I have a ton of shit to do.

Carpe Diem? -.-

I wish I could erase memories. That way I wouldn’t still be bothering the tarot cards asking what the hell I should so about a certain someone. D:

Oh and cause I <3 Jazzy for making me feel better. After asking in general to no one in particular

What do you do when you still care about someone and they tell you they never want to talk to you again because they “don’t want to waste time on something that never can be.”):

“Swallow really big, hold your pretty head up high, and try to walk away. The pain will be hell for a while, but you will meet someone even better and look back on this situation and laugh.”

I don’t think I would be able to make it this far without you guys.

With Love,

Moonie ♥

P.S- I really freaking love London Anderson. Whenever I feel heartbroken I just listen to her. (: